december always surprises me as the busiest month of the year. i usually leave town for the last week of the year to spend the holidays at home with my family. this leaves the other three weeks of the month a whirlwind of gift making, visiting with loved ones, wrapping up loose ends at work, and celebrating. this year i am trying to make some sacred time for self reflection, too. 

unfortunately, the to do lists are longer than normal and i never seem to leave work as early as i would like. this year i have the added stress of studying for a huge certification exam next week. having just got back from my road trip, i feel lost.

i am someone who needs a lot of ‘me’ time. time for my spiritual practices, time for my physical health, and time for my homestead projects. i also crave my quiet alone time. with all the travel and the busy, my me time dissipates and i feel myself slowly slipping into anxiety and panic. i struggle to make time for myself, but the failure to do so compounds into even more stress and guilt for not taking care of myself.

this usually culminates in a headache, which peaked in severity last night. i was frustrated, beaten down, depressed. just the day before i had a mini panic attack, so the pain on top of recovering that was too much to bear. i had to isolate myself and sleep it off.

balance is a constant struggle. i get to spend relatively little time with my partner due to our work schedules. thus, days when he is home i feel obligated to be with him (this is self created pressure, not from him!). this leads to me skipping my self care routines and me time, which leads to me feeling less than stellar physically. but it gives me emotional fulfillment- most of the time. sometimes i find myself so worried about skipping my chores or practices that i can’t enjoy our time together.

this weekend, i spent the entire saturday with friends playinng board games, eating junk food, and watching movies. it was great! but the next day i physically felt awful due to lack of sleep and junk food, also i was super stressed because i got behind on my studying and house chores.

so often i sacrafice reationships and emotional fulfillment for my routines. i love my routines, i love my chores, and i love my homestead. but i am still working for balance. it is a constant checking in with myself. it is a constant forgiveness of guilt. it is a constant reevaluation of expectations and goals. it is hard work. but i have faith i will be ok.

this month i just want to allow myself to enjoy all the events and preparations that come along with the holiday season. i want to feel them and be. present.

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